Benajean Harness Wilkins

flora

by Janet Bordeaux

Howdy Wilkins 12/6/24 - 11/13/98

Dad has been gone for 10 years and yet, to me, it seems so much longer.

As we get older comments like "I don't know where the time has gone", "It's
November - already?", or "Time just flies by when you're having fun" seem to
be more common.  Yet when I think of the last time I saw or talked to Dad or
Mom it seems so long ago - much further back in time than it actually is.

Brain research has shown that although the sense of time is not associated
with a specific sensory system, our brains do have a system governing the
perception of time.  It has been shown that stimulants can lead us to
overestimate time intervals while depressants can have the opposite effect.

So the phrases above actually make sense.  Having fun, enjoying life is the
stimulant that moves the sense of time along at the faster pace.   While the
death of a loved one can be the depressant, impairing the perception of
time.

I just know that I miss them both very much, as I am sure that you do, too.
There has been so much joy I wanted to share with them and advice I wanted
to garner.  But it was not to be.

So I cherish the time that we had and remember the life I did get to enjoy
with them.  Oddly enough then, time seems so short and it passed too quickly
and I fear that I didn't always make the most of the time we had.

So today, a toast to a most wonderful man, one whose time to meet His Maker
came too soon for me.

I miss you all very much and send my love to you all,
Janet

aries 3/21-4/19

What perplexing defeat was inflicted on you once upon a time -- a defeat that you still can't figure out how to rise above? What painful memory continues to lurk at the edges of your awareness, taunting you with its implication that you'll never be whole? This is the time and this is the place, Aries, to solve a riddle like that so that you can move on to the next chapter of your life. You will get unexpected help and inspiration if you make it your intention to heal what has been hard to heal. Halloween costume suggestion: a doctor or nurse wearing a sign that says, "Physician, heal thyself." 

www.freewillastrology.com

joy division

...love will tear us apart

When the routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
And the resentment rides high
But emotions wont grow
And were changing our ways,
Taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart again

Why is the bedroom so cold
Turned away on your side?
Is my timing that flawed,
Our respect run so dry?
Yet theres still this appeal
That weve kept through our lives
Love, love will tear us apart again

Do you cry out in your sleep
All my failings expose?
Get a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Is it something so good
Just cant function no more?
When love, love will tear us apart again

the girls

it's complicated

well then here I come...

a ticket for two

I recently was asked how many times I had fallen.. in love. I replied that in order to be in love the other person had to be in love with you back...assuming of course that you're in love with the other person.
I've had crushes, been crushed and I have definitely loved....mostly all the wrong guys. I know some loved me back in their own way. I can't say that I've ever been pursued by a man whose intentions were really on the up and up.... to fall in love with ME, or I just never knew. Mostly they just wanted...well we all know what they wanted.

Anyway..it got me thinking about all of my past relationships, each and every one. I reviewed them over in my head...was I ever truly "in love"? Maybe it's the retrospect, however, I think you know when you're in love? right? Sad but true, I don't think I've ever truly been ...IN love. But, I bet it's an amazing roller coaster ride.....

right here, right now...

even when you think it's all ok, things seem perfect...it's fleeting...it's not. it's  always complicated.

some of the reasons why: note to self

There was something off from the get go and it never went away, or changed...really. I often felt I was living with a boy, and there's nothing worse than being your boyfriends mother. I found myself bossing, and nagging...I couldn't stand listening to myself anymore.

He was too quite, eerily shy. When we went places he never spoke to my friends, family or truly tried to get to know them. It's caused weirdness and uncomfortable conversations between me and my friends. He rarely had any type of conversation with me, either.

On my 32nd birthday he sat at the end of the table away from anyone, didn't say one word, but at the end of the night leaned into my ear and said that he did not want to have split the bill evenly with my friends because they ordered more than him...I was dumbfounded.

He never looked at me..you know that look a guy gives the girl when he likes her..or loves her. I looked at him, and he would look back and say... what...why are you looking at me? and make a face. I only wanted a smile back.. reformation that he felt the same.

After a year together he told me he loved me for the first time, I was barely coherent, passing out face down in my bed from a booze filled evening....Not to my face, and not when I, or he was even sober. It was a mute point the next day and was rarely said anymore after that.

The physical never transformed into an intimate relationship...I realized there was never going to be anything deeper, and no connection ever.

I'm reminding myself of these reasons....to move forward, and so I don't fall into another loveless relationship.

another one dead on...

Aries

Believe it or not, whatever has been limiting your movement has also been expanding your capacities. It's true. The pinching sensation you've had to endure has been covertly generating psychic fuel that you will soon be able to access. Therefore, Aries, I say unto you: Praise your squelchers and constrictors! Be grateful for your stiflers and tweakers! They have primed you for the arrival of a luminous boon.
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT: Whatever you choose to focus your attention on, you will get more of it. If you often think of everything you lack and how sad you are that you don't have it, you will tend to receive prolific evidence of how true that is. As you obsess on all the ways your life is different from what you wish it would be, you will become an expert in rousing feelings of frustration and you will attract experiences that assist you in rousing frustration. If, on the other hand, you dwell on the good things you have already had the privilege to experience, you will expand your appreciation for their blessings, which in turn will amplify their beneficent impact on your life. You will also magnetize yourself to receive further good things, making it more likely that they will be attracted into your sphere. At the very least, you will get in the habit of enjoying yourself no matter what the outward circumstances are. *

it was a sign!

I had studied for my test somewhat over the weekend, but not enough to confidently answer what was probably going to be asked of me. I had taken on another commitment, I was trying to get a spec'ing project for a men's wear line done, the deadline was Monday and the samples had to go to China that day. I am not in the practice of letting other folks down (just myself apparently), so I finished the project, and was too drained to focus on studying.
As I woke up the next morning I immediately felt nervous and irritated that I had not spent the time I should have on studying. I had class that evening and now there would be only one evening that I would be able to dedicate to hitting the books. 

I hesitantly drove to work. I needed gas so I pulled into get gasoline and as I was finishing up I noticed that I needed to hurry up and go before someone blocked me in. As I was getting into my car some loser blocked me in...I got out of my car and asked him if he could just pull forward so I could get out, I had a big smile and asked nicely. He said "What you can't back out, come on", I immediately got pissed and said, "oh you mean back into the mini mart and back on up into traffic on melrose..thanks allot dick." He must not have heard the last part cause he got into his truck and pulled out for me to go around. He deserved no thank you from me. The situation just made me even more irritated than I already was.

I pulled into the garage at work and turned my car off, got out and noticed the break lights were shining bright as though a ghost were in my car pushing down on the break peddle. I got back in did a double check of all systems, got back out...still shining bright.... they weren't going off. I thought to myself this is going to drain my freaking battery. Very irritated now, I called my mechanic and told him I was coming in. The lights were still shining bright once I got to the mechanic. He said he would take a look and give me a call later. 

I live within walking distance of my mechanic, thank goodness. And on my walk home I got to thinking...someone is  obviously looking out after me....this was a sign.... to go home and study all day.

OH..and my car needed a new break light switch...only $75.00..thank goodness for that too.

P.S. person watching out after me... I A'ced the test!

don't lose your good thing -etta james

you don't miss your water till your well runs dry...

stolen beauty

i'm a busy bee..

my days are spent learning the anatomy of a human not a bee. however, do you remember the last time you saw a bee? and I bet you never knew about its anatomy. so here, look and learn!

it's not so bad.....

I've been doing a little re-decorating in my apartment and life. Over the weekend I went out all by myself to a friends movie premier and then to a little party afterwards, where I was quite surprised that folks even remembered who I am (I don't go out out much anymore)....I was SO nervous getting out there all by my lonesome, and I was scared no one would talk to me, you have to know I work these scenarios up in my head that are just awful- I just have to shut out the voices in my head~ it's them not me. anywho...After I got there I was glad I went, and thought to myself how "see it's not so bad going alone" I don't have to worry about driving anyone around, leaving when they want to leave..etc, you know, or maybe you don't. And it was refreshing that folks remember you and don't give you the up and down stink eye and ignore you all night. What I enjoyed the most was looking around the room and seeing how life has changed everyone...but more importantly recognizing how much it's changed me.

this is magical lake elizabeth...

go ahead and dive in....

Honey always said...

aries 3/21-4/19

You've got nothing to lose now, so wake up your sense of adventure and let it go!

eggghhh

"orange juice always tastes better before you brush your teeth"...unknown & everyone

anyone say fiji?

There are no words for the pain my body is feeling after my all day cleaning, painting, fixing up affair, and I didn't even get it all done!  today's agenda, cleaning the patio, laundry room and bedroom.  I hate cleaning...despise it, and since there is still more to do it will only make my body ache more, and the place will inevitably get dirty again. I would prefer to go on a vacation to cleanse my mind and soul...or at least have someone else clean up after me.

happenings from 8:30pm to 9:05am

after a night of puking up fried calamari and pepperoni pizza...it was the not so fried calamari.....getting NO sleep due to nauseating stomach pain, and Oscar (my cat) who has taken up singing VERY LOUDLY at all hours of the night...AND my period with its super crippling cramps decided it was time to come, I ended up waking up late for work. I hurriedly showered, threw on some clothes, and stumbled out the door. and... Yes, I feel like shit today...but while I was driving to work I noticed a freshly painted grey rundown stucco building that had a brand-spanking new sign "LA Organic Pharmacy", along with new wire fencing and a little security camera placed just so at the front door entrance. I stared... processing all that was going on, it was like a scene out of WEEDS. I usually saw suspicious characters hanging out there as I drove by on the way home.......while in my deep stare, a man walking by......I have to assume homeless or he just didn't care about his black muck stained clothes, or that he was shoeless and forgot to brush his insanely matted hair for the past 9 years.....throws me a peace sign and smiles...I cocked my head back at the unexpected gesture...who me??...I gave him the peace sign right back and smiled. Maybe he appreciated the fact that my car was just as dirty as he....or he thought I was staring at him and felt sorry that I had to go to work today. I'll never know...but...It made me smile, and I felt slightly better. The light turned green, I drove on and in my sensitive state made it to work only 5 mins late.

inhale..exhale

....

ARIES march 21- april 19

Your next assignment is to inject more fun into your job -- or into anything that feels like work, for that matter. You've got a head start because lately you've been playing harder than usual. That should give you creative momentum as you reinvent your approach to activities that push you to your limits and test your resolve. For best results, be open to the possibility that you really don't have to keep being bored and cranky in places where you've assumed you will always be bored and cranky.

I definately need a new job then.

going solo again

My X will be moving out this weekend. As much as I hate to admit it..I'm pretty sad, and torn up about the whole ordeal. There have been more jabs than I care to hear, more grasping at my heart than it can take. In turn, I privately cry in the shower. I know deep down inside that this break up is truly best for us both, he just can't see it..yet.

I really wanted this relationship to work out so badly I forced myself to stay in it...while not all bad, it just wasn't all encompassing of how I need to be loved...I often told myself...that I had too many expectations, I don't know a good thing when I have it, he's a good guy, so so nice, loyal & honest. I knew that he would never hurt me emotionally or physically. However, that just wasn't enough for me... I also knew he would never challenge me intellectually, love me passionately, or share enthusiastically in the adventures of making a life together.

I.....just sad I had to hurt a really good guy.

bearded beauty

i'm obsessed with flowers.... go ahead smell it.

baby...it's only natural

I was standing in line to get my lunch at the grocery store and caught myself staring at a package of pampers newborn "sensitive" diapers. The picture on the front showed a content new mother gently holding her newborn to her chest while it was sleeping. I quickly related to how it felt to hold a new born baby that way...as I've held my nephew, Eli, exactly like that. All of the sudden an overwhelming sensation took over my body, I started to cry....I needed a baby. I've had this sensational feeling happen before, it's strange, animal like. Most of the time I feel indifferent to procreating. I quickly tried to put myself in check..."are you ok, lady?" asked the grocery clerk....yeah.. yes! I'm fine, I embarrassingly replied, got something in my eye. I start thinking.... I have no boyfriend/husband...not even a hint at one....I wonder if the kid thing will happen for me someday....my job sucks..school will be never ending...I checked out and the feeling had gone.

today's poop

Sorry (MOM), I haven't blogged lately....I had a wisdom tooth removed on Friday, and was hopped up on pain killers all weekend. Not only do pain killers take away pain, but they also take away your ability to process happy thoughts and your ability to have a proper bowel movement.
You'll all be happy to know that my pain has ceased and I pooped this morning. So with that said...I'm feeling better!

wisdom

what makes the wisdom teeth so wise?  I'm going to ponder this while my codeine sets in.

radness

my friend Mariko is not mad at me!!

mj...thanks for not being pissed that I got lost in bf world. you're the best.

where'd everybody go?

Eddie & Devon= moved to NY
Sara Kaye= has moved into the abyss, or Michigan.....she may be back
Tara= headed to London for a year
Mariko= still here in LA, but mad at me for being such a neglectful friend, can't blame her
Rebecca= in North Carolina, possibly on her way back in a year
Ron= is on the West Side ;p
Lesley= moved outta CA as quickly as she could...to NY
Trey & Larry= always in Malta, or some far away land

so i've found myself kinda friendless, with some friends in question, and have found that all my closest friends have left or are leaving. I guess it's time to make some new friends.

wishing for fireflies & cricket sounds..

fun art slang..

use enough 

to make it 

smooth enough: 

assuming a function -regen projects II 

what are your plans for the weekend?

should anyone need me... I will be at the beach. my tan is fading along with my hope for a hot date. maybe if I get tan enough, I'll get a hot date?

not feelin this

I'm just gonna keep my crap bottled up today. too much weird bull cocky to deal with in my head.

rare form...

I'm in a rare, anxiety-laden, back aching, pissy, edgy mood.

Last night, I was in that crucial first hour of falling into a deep sleep when I was awoken by a F***ING LAWN MOWER at 11PM. THE F***ING CRACKED OUT MAINTENANCE GUY DECIDES TO MOW THE F***ING LAWN. I angrily leaped out of bed, yelled out the window, with a failed response I proceeded to write the nastiest note and tagged it to his door, obviously he didn't hear me yelling out the window over the loud a** mower. I would have gone outside and gave him a piece of my mind, but that would have entailed getting dressed and having to confront the cracked out condescending conspiriacy theorist maintenance freak, which would have set me over the edge.
THEN..I let my landlady have if on her machine...OH! SORRY IF I WOKE YOU...BUT I WAS JUST WOKEN UP BY THE CRACKED OUT NEIGHBOR MOWING THE F***ING LAWN AT 11PM!!!! I think she was too scared to pick up the phone. Hopefully, I woke her up too.

30 MINS!! Later after he was done...and I'm still furious.....he must have read the note and yelled up "sorry "E" I didn't think you were home"...I'm thinking....your f***ing kidding me! what cracked stoner mows the f***ing lawn at 11pm, regardless of who is home.

SO..after my heart rate was raised to toxic levels I of course could not get back to sleep. hence the crappy mood.

Anyone reading this: stay off crack, and don't ever give into the urge to mow the f***ing lawn at 11pm, or any other hour when the sun is not out.

I need a nap. And I know, 11PM already in bed...lame.

earthquake day

excitement of the day: 5.4 quake! big un! why don't we name earthquakes like we name
hurricanes? I'm gonna call this one Earthquake Betsy.

today..

highlight: finding out that my Dad is a fan of this blog.

lowpoint: "work"

what I learned: read my Dad's blog on KM (knowledge management) ...he's a super smart overthinker, ;) and if you want to read what I mean... drfuzzy.wordpress.com

today's mantra: just go slow..don't rush.

quote of the day: i used to be snow white, but i drifted - Mae West

doin the right thing

that's right, I've been doin the right thing. taking care of my life this weekend.

lately, I've not been able to make a final decision to move, or not, from Los Angeles. secretly.. deep down..I knew part of my urge to leave has to do with my current living situation. i live with my X..a constant reminder of yet another failed relationship. but that living situation is changing. I found the courage to put my feelings first (big step for me..thank you: Rachel, Sara, Brian) and asked my X to move out. he agreed, and even went to say he knew it wasn't healthy either.

I'm scared of being lonely and relieved that we both can move on. I just need to be sure I'm not running away from a situation because I didn't want to hurt the other person feelings. sad but true.

a little ditty about my X: he didn't do anything wrong (like cheat)- he's so far the most trustworthy guy I've ever dated. we just didn't have chemistry. we were constantly off.

....anyway, when "X" is mentioned folks usually assume the worst about the other person...this isn't the case.

a huge part of me misses my family more and more and the other part says what about you? my Dad says moving will help take the focus off of me, however, until these past couple of years I don't think that I've ever really been clearly focused on me. I understand what he means. I have plenty of time, and I'll make another right decision.

don't forget to take time to smell the flowers....

Yamashiro!

if you've never been there, go. great sushi, great view of LA!  I recommend the darth vader roll, unagi sushi, hot sake and a sapparo! yummy goodness.   

Arieselephant = Wonderful & Great!

When you are showered with compliments today (and you will be), try to accept them all graciously. Don't go for false modesty, it simply does not become you. Be grateful for the fact that the people around you have the sense to see how wonderful you are, and thank them for it! You have to get used to people telling you how great you are, because it's only going to happen more and more often as the days go by. You might as well start getting used to it today.

another positive horoscope! i'm really not some crazy horoscope finatic, i just enjoy reading positive tid-bits, this could obviously happen to anyone, but this one was obviously meant for me;)

in case your curious about the "fishycure"

only in Virginia...

case of the mondays

went to work today, sat there surfing the net for 7 looong hours. my job is feeling this bad economy. and it's lame.  only one awesome e-mail came through my mom sent out an article about little carp that eat at your feet to give you a great looking pedicure!  "fishycure" as I coined. after "work" went by the bev and didn't find a damn thing, got some mall food, drove home in surprisingly quick moving traffic, and was greeted enthusiastically by my kitty.  and i'll do it all over again tomorrow, with the exception of mall food...i have a sushi dinner date:P

"he's a smelly baby"

This morning I received two beautiful text pictures of my brand spanking new adorable nephew, Charlie.  That kid has a schnoz:o) The text w/pic said  "who do I look like?"  I didn't really know, and proceeded to call my sister and let her know that I didn't know, however, he kinda resembled a Culbertson girl, I thought.   

Rachel went on to talk about her day with the baby boys, how one starts crying sets the other off and the other starts crying, they don't sleep at the same time, she gets no sleep,  how Charlie is a very gassy, and smelly baby, and how Eli (my other beautiful 1 year old nephew) chucked his bottle at her, I could hear her surprised anger as she told me the story then quickly, like any protective mother said "he's just gets soo tired and goes out of his mind".  She in her apparent sleep deprived state forgot to heat his bottle to the proper degree that Eli prefers. All while wiggly wormy Charlie was crying through the phone.  Wow!  I always think.... the picture she paints of motherhood, scares it all right outta me.  I don't know how she does it.  Downright amazing to me.  

bananas

agitated today. house needs to be cleaned.  i live with a constant reminder of settling for nothing. and there's a woody allen movie playing, which makes things more nerve wracking.  

bananas, seen it?  

letting go takes love

This is just more found wisdom. enjoy.

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
Remember: The time to love is short
------ author unknown

live the freakiest truth, halaluya!

This was my horoscope for the week of July 7th, 2008... just thought I'd share... cause I thought it was dead on. If you want yours www.freewillastrology.com

"The only way to get a difficult feeling to go away is simply to love yourself for it," says author Christiane Northrup. "If you think you're stupid, then love yourself for feeling that way. It's a paradox, but it works. To heal, you must . . . shine the light of compassion on any areas within you that you feel are unacceptable." While I personally believe this is a crafty strategy, I suggest adding a twist in order to double its effectiveness: As you're loving yourself for your difficult feeling, literally laugh out loud at how crazily worried and wound up you are about it.

This was the "sacred advertisement" that comes along with your horoscope....I really thought this was great! I used to scribble crap on my back pack too in high school, nothing this positive or wise.

The following bon mots were scrawled on the backpacks and binders of sixth grade girls at Greenwood School in Mill Valley, California:
Learn as if you'll live forever
Explain yourself wildly, not carefully
Wake up -- but not too fast, or you might hurt yourself
Question authority, including the authority that told you to question authority
Give me chocolate or I'll scream
It's all so funny -- how can you not be laughing?
When you shout "halaluya," never spell it right
Live the freakiest truth

i think i can

i'm gonna do my damnedest to let you in on a little slice of my life every day. even if you don't care.

first blog... ever

yes, ever.  and it's about me.  anyways, here goes. 

the past couple days i stopped my daily exercise and decided to eat badly, sit on my ass & think obsessivly.  about.. an old friend who popped back into my life and (without knowing) opened up my eyes to how truly miserable i am.  lonely.  he reminded me of fun times.  he's fun & funny, smart, cute, and has so much to say...nothing holds him back.  i miss the old me.  minus all of the drinking.  i regret drinking as much as i did. i feel clearer these days. better. but lonely.  

so here goes to curing myself of loneliness and misery.  or did you really think this was gonna be a bummer blog. ha.  OH! today i made a shit list, just taking names for now...can't wait to do some  ass kickin.....someday.