a ticket for two

I recently was asked how many times I had fallen.. in love. I replied that in order to be in love the other person had to be in love with you back...assuming of course that you're in love with the other person.
I've had crushes, been crushed and I have definitely loved....mostly all the wrong guys. I know some loved me back in their own way. I can't say that I've ever been pursued by a man whose intentions were really on the up and up.... to fall in love with ME, or I just never knew. Mostly they just wanted...well we all know what they wanted.

Anyway..it got me thinking about all of my past relationships, each and every one. I reviewed them over in my head...was I ever truly "in love"? Maybe it's the retrospect, however, I think you know when you're in love? right? Sad but true, I don't think I've ever truly been ...IN love. But, I bet it's an amazing roller coaster ride.....

right here, right now...

even when you think it's all ok, things seem perfect...it's fleeting...it's not. it's  always complicated.

some of the reasons why: note to self

There was something off from the get go and it never went away, or changed...really. I often felt I was living with a boy, and there's nothing worse than being your boyfriends mother. I found myself bossing, and nagging...I couldn't stand listening to myself anymore.

He was too quite, eerily shy. When we went places he never spoke to my friends, family or truly tried to get to know them. It's caused weirdness and uncomfortable conversations between me and my friends. He rarely had any type of conversation with me, either.

On my 32nd birthday he sat at the end of the table away from anyone, didn't say one word, but at the end of the night leaned into my ear and said that he did not want to have split the bill evenly with my friends because they ordered more than him...I was dumbfounded.

He never looked at me..you know that look a guy gives the girl when he likes her..or loves her. I looked at him, and he would look back and say... what...why are you looking at me? and make a face. I only wanted a smile back.. reformation that he felt the same.

After a year together he told me he loved me for the first time, I was barely coherent, passing out face down in my bed from a booze filled evening....Not to my face, and not when I, or he was even sober. It was a mute point the next day and was rarely said anymore after that.

The physical never transformed into an intimate relationship...I realized there was never going to be anything deeper, and no connection ever.

I'm reminding myself of these reasons....to move forward, and so I don't fall into another loveless relationship.

another one dead on...

Aries

Believe it or not, whatever has been limiting your movement has also been expanding your capacities. It's true. The pinching sensation you've had to endure has been covertly generating psychic fuel that you will soon be able to access. Therefore, Aries, I say unto you: Praise your squelchers and constrictors! Be grateful for your stiflers and tweakers! They have primed you for the arrival of a luminous boon.
*
SACRED ADVERTISEMENT: Whatever you choose to focus your attention on, you will get more of it. If you often think of everything you lack and how sad you are that you don't have it, you will tend to receive prolific evidence of how true that is. As you obsess on all the ways your life is different from what you wish it would be, you will become an expert in rousing feelings of frustration and you will attract experiences that assist you in rousing frustration. If, on the other hand, you dwell on the good things you have already had the privilege to experience, you will expand your appreciation for their blessings, which in turn will amplify their beneficent impact on your life. You will also magnetize yourself to receive further good things, making it more likely that they will be attracted into your sphere. At the very least, you will get in the habit of enjoying yourself no matter what the outward circumstances are. *

it was a sign!

I had studied for my test somewhat over the weekend, but not enough to confidently answer what was probably going to be asked of me. I had taken on another commitment, I was trying to get a spec'ing project for a men's wear line done, the deadline was Monday and the samples had to go to China that day. I am not in the practice of letting other folks down (just myself apparently), so I finished the project, and was too drained to focus on studying.
As I woke up the next morning I immediately felt nervous and irritated that I had not spent the time I should have on studying. I had class that evening and now there would be only one evening that I would be able to dedicate to hitting the books. 

I hesitantly drove to work. I needed gas so I pulled into get gasoline and as I was finishing up I noticed that I needed to hurry up and go before someone blocked me in. As I was getting into my car some loser blocked me in...I got out of my car and asked him if he could just pull forward so I could get out, I had a big smile and asked nicely. He said "What you can't back out, come on", I immediately got pissed and said, "oh you mean back into the mini mart and back on up into traffic on melrose..thanks allot dick." He must not have heard the last part cause he got into his truck and pulled out for me to go around. He deserved no thank you from me. The situation just made me even more irritated than I already was.

I pulled into the garage at work and turned my car off, got out and noticed the break lights were shining bright as though a ghost were in my car pushing down on the break peddle. I got back in did a double check of all systems, got back out...still shining bright.... they weren't going off. I thought to myself this is going to drain my freaking battery. Very irritated now, I called my mechanic and told him I was coming in. The lights were still shining bright once I got to the mechanic. He said he would take a look and give me a call later. 

I live within walking distance of my mechanic, thank goodness. And on my walk home I got to thinking...someone is  obviously looking out after me....this was a sign.... to go home and study all day.

OH..and my car needed a new break light switch...only $75.00..thank goodness for that too.

P.S. person watching out after me... I A'ced the test!

don't lose your good thing -etta james

you don't miss your water till your well runs dry...

stolen beauty

i'm a busy bee..

my days are spent learning the anatomy of a human not a bee. however, do you remember the last time you saw a bee? and I bet you never knew about its anatomy. so here, look and learn!

it's not so bad.....

I've been doing a little re-decorating in my apartment and life. Over the weekend I went out all by myself to a friends movie premier and then to a little party afterwards, where I was quite surprised that folks even remembered who I am (I don't go out out much anymore)....I was SO nervous getting out there all by my lonesome, and I was scared no one would talk to me, you have to know I work these scenarios up in my head that are just awful- I just have to shut out the voices in my head~ it's them not me. anywho...After I got there I was glad I went, and thought to myself how "see it's not so bad going alone" I don't have to worry about driving anyone around, leaving when they want to leave..etc, you know, or maybe you don't. And it was refreshing that folks remember you and don't give you the up and down stink eye and ignore you all night. What I enjoyed the most was looking around the room and seeing how life has changed everyone...but more importantly recognizing how much it's changed me.

this is magical lake elizabeth...

go ahead and dive in....