not feelin this

I'm just gonna keep my crap bottled up today. too much weird bull cocky to deal with in my head.

rare form...

I'm in a rare, anxiety-laden, back aching, pissy, edgy mood.

Last night, I was in that crucial first hour of falling into a deep sleep when I was awoken by a F***ING LAWN MOWER at 11PM. THE F***ING CRACKED OUT MAINTENANCE GUY DECIDES TO MOW THE F***ING LAWN. I angrily leaped out of bed, yelled out the window, with a failed response I proceeded to write the nastiest note and tagged it to his door, obviously he didn't hear me yelling out the window over the loud a** mower. I would have gone outside and gave him a piece of my mind, but that would have entailed getting dressed and having to confront the cracked out condescending conspiriacy theorist maintenance freak, which would have set me over the edge.
THEN..I let my landlady have if on her machine...OH! SORRY IF I WOKE YOU...BUT I WAS JUST WOKEN UP BY THE CRACKED OUT NEIGHBOR MOWING THE F***ING LAWN AT 11PM!!!! I think she was too scared to pick up the phone. Hopefully, I woke her up too.

30 MINS!! Later after he was done...and I'm still furious.....he must have read the note and yelled up "sorry "E" I didn't think you were home"...I'm thinking....your f***ing kidding me! what cracked stoner mows the f***ing lawn at 11pm, regardless of who is home.

SO..after my heart rate was raised to toxic levels I of course could not get back to sleep. hence the crappy mood.

Anyone reading this: stay off crack, and don't ever give into the urge to mow the f***ing lawn at 11pm, or any other hour when the sun is not out.

I need a nap. And I know, 11PM already in bed...lame.

earthquake day

excitement of the day: 5.4 quake! big un! why don't we name earthquakes like we name
hurricanes? I'm gonna call this one Earthquake Betsy.

today..

highlight: finding out that my Dad is a fan of this blog.

lowpoint: "work"

what I learned: read my Dad's blog on KM (knowledge management) ...he's a super smart overthinker, ;) and if you want to read what I mean... drfuzzy.wordpress.com

today's mantra: just go slow..don't rush.

quote of the day: i used to be snow white, but i drifted - Mae West

doin the right thing

that's right, I've been doin the right thing. taking care of my life this weekend.

lately, I've not been able to make a final decision to move, or not, from Los Angeles. secretly.. deep down..I knew part of my urge to leave has to do with my current living situation. i live with my X..a constant reminder of yet another failed relationship. but that living situation is changing. I found the courage to put my feelings first (big step for me..thank you: Rachel, Sara, Brian) and asked my X to move out. he agreed, and even went to say he knew it wasn't healthy either.

I'm scared of being lonely and relieved that we both can move on. I just need to be sure I'm not running away from a situation because I didn't want to hurt the other person feelings. sad but true.

a little ditty about my X: he didn't do anything wrong (like cheat)- he's so far the most trustworthy guy I've ever dated. we just didn't have chemistry. we were constantly off.

....anyway, when "X" is mentioned folks usually assume the worst about the other person...this isn't the case.

a huge part of me misses my family more and more and the other part says what about you? my Dad says moving will help take the focus off of me, however, until these past couple of years I don't think that I've ever really been clearly focused on me. I understand what he means. I have plenty of time, and I'll make another right decision.

don't forget to take time to smell the flowers....

Yamashiro!

if you've never been there, go. great sushi, great view of LA!  I recommend the darth vader roll, unagi sushi, hot sake and a sapparo! yummy goodness.   

Arieselephant = Wonderful & Great!

When you are showered with compliments today (and you will be), try to accept them all graciously. Don't go for false modesty, it simply does not become you. Be grateful for the fact that the people around you have the sense to see how wonderful you are, and thank them for it! You have to get used to people telling you how great you are, because it's only going to happen more and more often as the days go by. You might as well start getting used to it today.

another positive horoscope! i'm really not some crazy horoscope finatic, i just enjoy reading positive tid-bits, this could obviously happen to anyone, but this one was obviously meant for me;)

in case your curious about the "fishycure"

only in Virginia...

case of the mondays

went to work today, sat there surfing the net for 7 looong hours. my job is feeling this bad economy. and it's lame.  only one awesome e-mail came through my mom sent out an article about little carp that eat at your feet to give you a great looking pedicure!  "fishycure" as I coined. after "work" went by the bev and didn't find a damn thing, got some mall food, drove home in surprisingly quick moving traffic, and was greeted enthusiastically by my kitty.  and i'll do it all over again tomorrow, with the exception of mall food...i have a sushi dinner date:P

"he's a smelly baby"

This morning I received two beautiful text pictures of my brand spanking new adorable nephew, Charlie.  That kid has a schnoz:o) The text w/pic said  "who do I look like?"  I didn't really know, and proceeded to call my sister and let her know that I didn't know, however, he kinda resembled a Culbertson girl, I thought.   

Rachel went on to talk about her day with the baby boys, how one starts crying sets the other off and the other starts crying, they don't sleep at the same time, she gets no sleep,  how Charlie is a very gassy, and smelly baby, and how Eli (my other beautiful 1 year old nephew) chucked his bottle at her, I could hear her surprised anger as she told me the story then quickly, like any protective mother said "he's just gets soo tired and goes out of his mind".  She in her apparent sleep deprived state forgot to heat his bottle to the proper degree that Eli prefers. All while wiggly wormy Charlie was crying through the phone.  Wow!  I always think.... the picture she paints of motherhood, scares it all right outta me.  I don't know how she does it.  Downright amazing to me.  

bananas

agitated today. house needs to be cleaned.  i live with a constant reminder of settling for nothing. and there's a woody allen movie playing, which makes things more nerve wracking.  

bananas, seen it?  

letting go takes love

This is just more found wisdom. enjoy.

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
Remember: The time to love is short
------ author unknown

live the freakiest truth, halaluya!

This was my horoscope for the week of July 7th, 2008... just thought I'd share... cause I thought it was dead on. If you want yours www.freewillastrology.com

"The only way to get a difficult feeling to go away is simply to love yourself for it," says author Christiane Northrup. "If you think you're stupid, then love yourself for feeling that way. It's a paradox, but it works. To heal, you must . . . shine the light of compassion on any areas within you that you feel are unacceptable." While I personally believe this is a crafty strategy, I suggest adding a twist in order to double its effectiveness: As you're loving yourself for your difficult feeling, literally laugh out loud at how crazily worried and wound up you are about it.

This was the "sacred advertisement" that comes along with your horoscope....I really thought this was great! I used to scribble crap on my back pack too in high school, nothing this positive or wise.

The following bon mots were scrawled on the backpacks and binders of sixth grade girls at Greenwood School in Mill Valley, California:
Learn as if you'll live forever
Explain yourself wildly, not carefully
Wake up -- but not too fast, or you might hurt yourself
Question authority, including the authority that told you to question authority
Give me chocolate or I'll scream
It's all so funny -- how can you not be laughing?
When you shout "halaluya," never spell it right
Live the freakiest truth

i think i can

i'm gonna do my damnedest to let you in on a little slice of my life every day. even if you don't care.

first blog... ever

yes, ever.  and it's about me.  anyways, here goes. 

the past couple days i stopped my daily exercise and decided to eat badly, sit on my ass & think obsessivly.  about.. an old friend who popped back into my life and (without knowing) opened up my eyes to how truly miserable i am.  lonely.  he reminded me of fun times.  he's fun & funny, smart, cute, and has so much to say...nothing holds him back.  i miss the old me.  minus all of the drinking.  i regret drinking as much as i did. i feel clearer these days. better. but lonely.  

so here goes to curing myself of loneliness and misery.  or did you really think this was gonna be a bummer blog. ha.  OH! today i made a shit list, just taking names for now...can't wait to do some  ass kickin.....someday.